Battered women and abused men are accustomed to being the
scapegoat for the problems in their abusive relationships.
They are routinely told:
- "It's your fault, you made me do it, say it, etc.,"
- "If you weren't so ________, it wouldn't have happened."
- And oh yes, remember this one: "None of this ever
happened anyway...It's all in your head, crazy-psycho."
Let's face it, "being the problem" goes hand-in-hand with
being in an abusive relationship. It's what the perpetrator
wants you to believe and it's also what you have bought
into believing. It's part of the ugly glue that binds the
abusive relationship.
Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship knows this
well. So then why do you suppose that when someone goes to
the system to seek remedy for domestic violence, they would
get anything other than what they've been bombarded with
all along?
You as the Problem from Home to Court
From the moment the police come to your door to the pits of
the divorce court lion's den, your abusive partner will
seek to make you the problem. That's what batterers do.
The only difference is that instead of telling you that you
are the problem, he/she is telling this to all those who
make decisions that influence your life, including but not
limited to, the judicial and healthcare folks.
So please come out of your shock over the fact that he/she
is trying to make you the bad guy, or the crazy one, or the
liar. It's part of what's been there all along.
Shining the Light on the Real Problem
Then you ask yourself, "Why don't those in the system get
it straight and realize that you are the victim and your
spouse is merely externalizing blame for the marital
skeletons?"
Unfortunately, the job of the people in the system is not
to "get it;" rather it's to get it done. And far too often
they are given false abuse allegations and may not have the
training to decipher the authentic from the
unreal—especially when it comes to intimate partner
violence and child abuse.
If you are in divorce court with a batterer and you know
you are not being heard, seek to find someone who can
professionally represent your truth to those making
important decisions. This will undoubtedly help you shine
the light on the real problem and aid in offsetting your
being made the problem.
----------------------------------------------------
For more information on abuse and divorce, see Legal
Domestic Abuse
http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/legal_domestic_ab
use.php and Crazy Making Legal-Psychiatric Abuse.
http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/crazy_making.php
Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people end domestic abuse at
home and in family court. Copyright 2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D.
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