Abusive Relationships - What is the Difference between Being Abusive and Being an Abuser?

What is the difference between "being abusive" and "being
an abuser?" I hear this question by people trying to
determine if they are entangled in intimate partner
violence, even when they don't know this term. What they
want to know is: Am I in a dangerously abusive relationship?

I think being abusive is a rather general way of describing
behavior that violates you as a person; your rights, your
space, your choices, yourself. It can come out of
frustration, stress, lowered inhibitions, insecurity, fear,
vulnerability, or any combination of the above.

What is an Abuser?

Being an abuser on the other hand, in the classical sense,
refers to a person that fulfills a specific criteria. And
when engaged in an intimate relationship with this person,
a specific criteria of defining characteristics exist which
are intimate partner violence.

The criteria for intimate partner violence as it's defined
by the literate consists of: possessiveness, controlling
behavior, lack of empathy, externalization of blame,
isolation of victimized partner, and the use of battering
to create and maintain a relationship of unequal power.

How to Know if Intimate Partner Violence Is, or Is Not, in
Your Relationship

Many people know this cluster of symptoms, but fail to
recognize how they actually manifest in their lives. I have
found in working with people over the years that when I
bring attention to the subtle relationship interaction
patterns in their daily lives, the light goes off for them
in a way far more compelling than their simply trying to
match the primary characteristics defining intimate partner
violence to their relationship.

Further and equally valuable is the fact that people can
discover if their relationship fulfills the criteria for
intimate partner violence and if it does not. Often people
will say they are dealing with an abuser, when the fact is
their partner is abusive at times but doesn't actually
fulfill the criteria for an intimate partner abuser.

The Value of Knowing Your Truth about Intimate Partner Abuse

Knowing this distinction can set you on a more productive
road to remedying your relationship conflict. Without this
understanding, you could be pursuing interventions
inappropriate to your circumstances and even worse
potentially hazardous to your safety.

If you are asking the question, "Am I in a dangerously
abusive relationship?" then you deserve to have the
answer...if not for yourself for the children that may be a
twinkle in your eye today.

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For more information about the dynamics of abusive
relationships, visit http://www.IsThisAbuse.com . If you
want a personal assessment of an abusive relationship, see
the Intimate Partner Abuse Screen at
http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com . Dr. Jeanne
King, Ph.D. helps people worldwide recognize, end and heal
from domestic abuse. ©2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D.

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