How do myths get started? They're basically stories that
take form as fact when they are repeated but rarely
questioned by people who appear to have some authority on
the subject. People make decisions and assess relationships
based on myths and this can be frustrating, disappointing
and even destructive. Expectations become skewed and
distorted because people are influenced and guided by
information that is not only untrue, but also sets
ridiculous standards that are not based in reality. Myths
are particularly prevalents and can be damaging when it
comes to single parents dating with kids in the mix.
The challenges of dating when you already have children,
are countless. The myths that couples experience in step
dating are also not unlike the ones experienced in step
families. And therefore having good information, fact not
fiction, about what you can and should expect, is even more
important. Instead of the couple enjoying the luxery of
concentrating solely on each other, they have to nurture
their new relationship while balancing time with kids who
may be transitioning between households. They have to
figure out the relationship dynamics with the kids, and be
aware of the multiple missteps and pitfalls that can derail
the new dating relationship. And most importantly, they
have to understand that the success and sustainability of a
new dating relationship is dependent on having realistic
expectations, being flexible as the relationship evolves,
being proactive about the challenges and understanding myth
expectations versus reality.
Some of the common myths that impact on single parents
dating are:
1. Myth Expectation: We should love each other's children
as much as we love each other And/or we should love our
partner's children as we would our own.
Reality: Just because dating single parents develop a close
and loving relationship, it doesn't mean that they will
instantly or ever love each other's children. Relationships
take time and when kids are less than impressed when a
parent starts to date, this can slow the process of
becoming close and connected. Over time, as friendship and
trust grow, a deeper relationship may develop between a
partner and the kids, but understand it can't be
manufactured just because the parents have great chemistry.
Love for the kids may follow and when it does it's a huge
bonus, but it should not be a condition for the adult
relationship. In lieu of love, dating partners, can care
for the well-being of their partner's children, and have
respect for what is in their best interests. This creates a
much more solid foundation for the success of the
relationship and the well-being of the children involved,
than the perceived need for love.
2. Myth Expectation: We'll be one big happy family, like
the Brady Bunch, if we spend a lot of time together.
Reality: Kids need time to adjust to a new dating
relationship and the worst thing is to throw them
immediately or constantly into the mix. They may feel
insecure, displaced or even threatened by the loss of time
and attention because of a new love interest, so it's
important to spend time alone with them and maintain the
security of consistency around their schedule at home.
Slowly introduce a new partner and gradually spend time
together, being aware of the child's comfort level. There
are distinct stages of development in transitioning into a
new relationship and they are different for everyone; kids
especially need to move slowly. Remember, they are not
usually on the same emotional time table as the couple is
3. Myth Expectation: We need to be equal partners in
co-parenting our kids.
Reality: The biological parent has the singular job of
disciplining and the dating partner should act only as a
friend, assuming the role of coach or mentor. It's
acceptable to emotionally support a dating partner in their
parenting role, but taking an active part in disciplining a
partner's kids is guaranteed to inspire resistance in the
child, and ultimately resentment between dating partners.
It should be avoided at all costs. The issue of children
and discipline should be discussed early on so there is no
confusion about who is in the parental role. Most often
people don't talk about these issues and just hope things
will go well; but this is a recipe for disaster and can
create even more confusion for the child(ren) involved.
4. Myth Expectation: Our deep love for each other and
devotion to the relationship will take care of any
challenges we come up against.
Reality: Single parents dating with kids in the mix face a
multitude of challenges on many different levels. Although
it's romantic to believe that problems and issues will work
themselves out because of the power of love, the reality is
the more informed couples are, the more prepared they will
be to deal with inevitable hiccups. Being aware of issues,
understanding the reality of myths, knowing what to
anticipate and how to take action is a more effective
relationship insurance policy than depending solely on the
magic of love. Love is undeniably an important aspect of
any relationship, but awareness, acceptance, commitment and
the willingness to take the time necessary to get to know
each other and to begin to appreciate what is required in a
relationship that involves children, are absolutely
critical ingredients for success.
The Dating Myths that single parents and singles face when
children are in the mix, are but one aspect of dating after
divorce. Having a reality check goes a long way towards
debunking these and other myths and is an important first
step in establishing more realistic expectations for your
step dating relationships. As two people vision how they
see things evolving over time and set realistic and
developmentally appropriate expectations, they will be
taking the first steps in creating happy, healthy and
sustainable relationships that are good for everyone
involved.
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Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW is a Certified Stepfamily Coach and
a Licensed Relationship Coach. She founded The Step and
Blended Family Institute. Yvonne coaches step dating
couples with children, offers Remarriage Preparation and
coaches existing stepfamilies to achieve success. To learn
more about how to safeguard your step relationships or to
find out more about the myths that threaten step dating
relationships go to
http://www.stepinstitute.ca
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