Can you trust his promises?

Can you trust his promises? -Actions speak louder than
words.

You have probably heard the old joke about the man who
writes to his girlfriend along these lines " Darling, I
love you more than words can say. I would climb mountains
and swim shark infested rivers to be by your side.

PS. As it's raining tonight I won't be coming over".

To bring the joke up to date the communication would be an
email rather than a letter. However the principle is just
the same. There is a huge chasm between what this man says
and what he does.

This is a frustrating situation that many women encounter
he says the right words but does not follow them up with
action. Or he may say loving words but otherwise seem
indifferent to your needs and desires. The women with whom
I share the insights of dating psychology frequently ask
this question "how do I know if can trust him?" Or "will he
keep his promises?"

The answer is simple -look at what he does rather than
listen to what he says.

The man writing the above letter or email is clearly only
in love with himself. That's the person he cares about.
People who genuinely care for each other are prepared to
put themselves out for each other's needs. This doesn't
mean that he should become your unpaid builder, car
mechanic or general handy man anymore than you should
become his unpaid cook or seamstress. Friends put
themselves out for each other. So do true caring lovers.

Will he keep his promises-how to check

Ask your boyfriend/potential life partner to pick up a
small item for you when he is next on his way over to your
place such as a newspaper, loaf of bread or can of dog
food. You'll give him the money for this when he arrives.
If he can't be bothered to do this small thing for you or
simply forgets it's unlikely that he will keep bigger
promises. If he fails the first time give him a second
opportunity, he may have been having a particularly
pressured day. A second failure is a negative indicator to
this man caring about your needs or keeping promises big or
small. If this is so the sooner you know the better. The
positive reverse side of this coin is that you will get to
know who you can trust quickly using this method.
Psychologists know that we need to judge people by what
they do not what they say. We know also that how a person
behaves in small everyday ways is a very clear indicator of
how he will behave in really important situations.

There are two types of promises that are unlikely to be
kept. These are the promise made in response to frequent
requests to your boyfriend or life partner to change his
behaviour. The conversation would go something like this "
you will stop drinking, spend more time with me, do your
share of the housework/cooking won't you?" He responds to
whatever change you have requested by agreeing but nothing
changes. Or the "I'll make it up to you" promise, this is
one that you never want to hear. There are three reasons
why the first of these promises will probably not be kept.
None of us like arguments. An easy way for your
boyfriend/life partner to avoid an argument is simply by
saying, "yes" to your request. If this has occurred several
times already of course he will say "yes". He has learnt
that simply saying "yes" will buy weeks or months of your
silence on this topic. He may have no intention of changing
and simply be saying "yes" to keep you quiet. Or he might
genuinely intend to change but never quite get around to
it. Here's how this happens, a person has a genuine
intention to change lets say improve her fitness level.
What she does not have are action steps to make her goal a
reality. People often try to make changes in their lives
based on general principles such as I will make more effort
to get on with my teenage son or see more of my parents.
Weeks and months into the future nothing will have changed
without an action plan, a series of steps moving the person
from where they are to where they want to be. So for
example the person wanting to improve her fitness might
have a plan with action steps such as a 30-minute walk each
day or swimming twice a week. If your boyfriend/partner's
behaviour is really going to change you'll need an action
plan. You can work on this creating the steps together. For
example if he currently can't cook he could wash up or
bring home a take away twice a week whilst you help him
learn. It's a case of negotiating something that you can
both live with. A promise by its very nature is an
agreement to do/or not do something in the future. So when
does the future begin, the person making the promise can
always say, "He will keep it just not yet". The promise
that a person is not prepared to take some action on now is
not really a promise. It's an attempt to buy time. If he
has promised to do his share of cooking/housework when you
move in together or move house why not now?

"I'll make it up to you" this promise suggests that the
person making it is behaving unreasonably. He knows he is
behaving unreasonably which is why he is making this
promise. Wouldn't it be better just to stop behaving
unreasonably? Yes, of course it would. The person making
this promise wishes to continue behaving unreasonably
whilst his partner suffers in silence. By making this
promise he hopes that she will allow the negative situation
to continue for more time. This is clearly to his advantage
but not hers. The least we should all expect of and give to
each other is fair and reasonable behaviour. If your
partner is behaving unreasonably it should stop now.
Waiting passively for negative behaviour to end at some
unspecified future time in the hope of some unspecified
reward will lead only to more negative behaviour. A
discussion of why your boyfriend/partner feels the need "to
make it up to you" and what changes are needed in his
behaviour now to make this unnecessary would be a
productive way of handling such a promise. Arriving late/or
not at all due to the unavoidable such as a delayed train
or cancelled flight is not what I am referring to. Nor
occasionally having to put in more hours at work and spend
less time with you. Caring couples don't blame each other
for things beyond their control. They show a level of
flexibility when plans are changed due to illness or work
commitments.

" I'll make it up to you" isn't good to hear or say but
sometimes its good to do. If you feel that you have been
neglecting your partner, parents or any important person in
your life don't say you'll make it up to them. Take action.
Action steps could be a romantic dinner for two, taking
your Mother to the cinema or watching your teenage son play
football. You'll know what to do and they'll love you for
it.

----------------------------------------------------
Eileen Edwards describes herself as a practical
psychologist. She teaches people how to apply psychology to
achieve goals and overcome problems. She has a particular
interest in the psychology of relationships having turned
her own life around in this area using the insights of
psychology.Eileen has formulated a six step plan which she
offers to women seeking a life partner. Email
eileen@eileenedwards.co.uk. Website
http://www.eileenedwards.co.uk .

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