People frequently talk about falling in love. When we fall
we often get hurt. As children falling in the playground we
get bruised knees. In adulthood falling in love can lead to
a broken heart. I would recommend walking into love as a
better and safer course of action Two people walking into
love take the steps together hand in hand checking out that
they share the same feelings.
This is much preferable to one person dashing ahead only to
find themselves out on a limb. This often happens in a
falling in love situation. Our society has no success model
for choosing a life partner so we understandably tend to
follow what we see in the media. This invariably means
abandoning thought in favour of romance and passion.
Romance and passion are fine by me; in fact I am very much
for them. I simply believe and know from personal
experience that relationships flow better when we add
thought and common sense into the mix.
I see people of both sexes throw caution to the winds when
it comes to romantic relationships, In business situations
we are guided by guarantees, references and codes of good
practice. When it comes to friendships we normally retain a
sense of self- preservation. For example if someone we had
only known for a few weeks asked us for a large loan we
would at least proceed with caution no matter how much we
enjoyed their company. This is not so in romantic
relationships. I often hear how people undertake long
journeys to meet potential partners who are not what they
declare themselves to be, get into debt and other serious
problems connected to romantic relationships.
These are usually intelligent people who simply needed to
pause for thought before chasing a romantic dream that
turned into a nightmare. I don't say this because I don't
believe that people can have wonderful, happy, loving
relationships. I certainly believe that they can by
exercising a little caution. By so doing they will also
avoid the negative consequences of being too eager to find
love.
When we take any sort of journey we look out for signs to
see that we are going in the right direction. We have an
approximate idea of how long the journey is likely to take.
We expect to pass certain landmarks at certain points along
the route. This is very useful for two reasons. It tells us
how long the journey will take. We are also able to check
that we are still on route to our desired destination and
haven't somehow missed our turning or ended up going in the
wrong direction.
When we know what signs to look for its the same with
relationships. There are generally three relationship
patterns that lead to commitment as shown by psychological
research. Imagine looking at what I am about to describe on
a graph or draw one if it helps you to understand the
concept better.
Path one starts from the bottom of the graph and ascends
quickly and steeply. This represents a situation where a
couple meet and begin a romantic relationship that
progresses speedily to commitment Path two rises slowly at
first from the bottom of the graph and goes along steadily
in a straight line not far from the bottom of the graph
before taking off suddenly. This represents the situation
where two people of the opposite sex meet initially as
friends or colleagues before becoming romantically
involved. It could happen like this both people work for
the same company they get along well but no more. One day
they share a taxi home from a meeting or company social
event and realise that they are attracted to each other.
They then begin a romantic relationship at which point the
line on the graph takes off at a sharp angle. A jagged line
illustrates the third path with peaks followed by valleys.
This illustrates a couple who move towards and then away
from each other. Although this can and does in some cases
lead to the couple becoming life partners people with this
pattern are more prone to divorce and partnership break ups
than those with the other two patterns.
Having given a general picture of the territory people
cover in moving towards commitment I'll now walk you
through the stages so that you can see what to expect at
which point in the relationship. Three to six months- these
first heady weeks of new romance are something to be
savoured. It's important to live in the moment and enjoy
this time for what it is. It may or may not lead to you
becoming life partners, but in any event you are having a
great romantic adventure. With this attitude if you become
each other's partners wonderful and if not you'll have fond
memories of this lovely romantic interlude. We can only
live in the now yet many people try to live in the future
particularly when it comes to relationships. A worst-case
scenario is that the relationship fizzles out without you
having had a chance to enjoy it because you were too taken
up in thinking about the future.
Three to six months-If it's purely infatuation it's likely
to burn itself out in three months or less. Once you have
passed the three months mark you can begin to think in
terms of a relationship. Initially you probably found ways
to express closeness in the private jokes that only you
shared the pet names that you called each other and "our
song". Closeness now begins to be expressed in deeper ways.
You discuss things that are important to you strongly held
beliefs, your childhood and family. He is the first person
you want to tell your good news or bad news. You spend an
increasing amount of time together. Begin to meet each
other's friends and relatives and are seen as a couple.
Six months to one year- You choose to spend most of your
free time together. You take up activities together, share
holidays and trips. You talk increasingly about the future
with implications of a shared future. Both sets of friends
and relatives see you as an item. He's become your best
friend as well as your lover.
One year to 18 months -Compared to seasons this is autumn.
You met and started getting to know each other in spring,
your relationship matured through the warmth of the summer.
Now in autumn you start to enjoy the ripe fruit. Commitment
occurs for most people at this time. Couples move in
together, engagements are announced, weddings are planned.
Of course not everyone's relationship will follow this
pattern but the majority do. Think of the couples you know
how many of them have a pattern similar to this one?
----------------------------------------------------
Eileen went from disaster to success in her relationships
by using the insights of psychology. Now qualified as a
psychologist she is passionate about helping other women do
the same. You can claim her six step "Love Magnet" ecourse
for just £77 before 30th April 2009. email
eileen@eileenedwards.co.uk website
http://www.eileenedwards.co.uk
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