Many otherwise good relationships are damaged by jealousy.
Excessive jealousy occurs because of one of two
unattractive assumptions. These are that you are not
sufficiently attractive to your prtner to hold their
interest or that your partner can't be trusted.
Most jealousy is irrational based on fear of losing the
loved one. Ironically it's this fear and the way that it
makes people act, which is most likely to bring the feared
loss about. Anyone who constantly accuses their partner of
misbehaving, expects them to account for their time, pries
into their mail, email or telephone communications is
behaving unreasonably.
They are probably acting out of fear or at least lack of
confidence but that makes their behaviour no less
distressing to the person experiencing it.
If either you or your partner is excessively jealous this
can only damage your relationship, cause you both misery.
In some instances it will it make continuing the
relationship impossible.
So how can you tackle this source of harm to your
relationship? Firstly by making this decision, if your
partner has given you no grounds for suspicion that's
probably because there aren't any. In other words they are
not misbehaving and you have every reason to trust them.
If you feel that your partner has given you grounds for
suspicion then you will need to look at those grounds
reasonably. Questions I often ask to people who consult me
about this problem are "when"? "Where"? and "why"? do you
think that your partner might be being unfaithful?
It's surprising that the people who suffer from excessive
jealousy often have partners who are rarely out of their
sight. Surely a partner who wanted to be unfaithful would
create opportunities to be away from them. However the fact
that your partner may work long or irregular hours or
travel on business does not mean that they are being
unfaithful. The fact that someone may have an opportunity
to behave in a particular way doesn't mean that they will
or even have any desire to.
These are some of the most common answers that I receive to
the question "why, do you think that your partner is being
unfaithful"? He's started to come home from work late,
lost interest in sex, come home smelling of perfume in the
case of a man, s/he has started to lie about where they are
spending their time when not at home, I just feel that s/he
is having an affair.
When we look at these behaviours reasonably most have
innocent explanations. Staying late at work for example
could simply mean that s/he is trying to catch up on a
backlog of work or avoid driving home in the rush hour.
Loss of interest in sex could be as a result of tiredness,
depression, hormonal changes, health problems or a side
effect of prescribed medication.
The fact that your partner lies about where s/he is
spending time when not with you could have a number of
explanations some innocent, some less so. Your partner
could be lying to cover up an addiction to drink, drugs or
gambling. Wouldn't you want to help them if this were the
case? Or they could be working extra hours in order to give
you a special gift or take you on a wonderful holiday.
"Why" is a very important question? Why did you think that
your partner was having an affair when there were so many
other possible explanations for their changed behaviour?
The chances are that the answer is in your past, did one of
your parents cheat on the other? Have you had this
negative experience in a past relationship? If so its
important to realise that what happened is in the past. I
understand that it was painful but dwelling on it is only
likely to damage your current relationship. It's really
important to let go of this negativity so that it doesn't
hurt you and the person that you love. Invest in
professional help if necessary. It's worth making the
effort.
So far I have addressed this article to the person
suffering the torments of their own suspicious mind. Now I
want to turn from the perspective of the accuser to the
accused. To suffer the torments of your partner's
suspicious mind can be hell. As hard as you try to reason
with them it seems to fall on deaf ears.
Realising why they are behaving in this illogical fashion
may help. Strange as it sounds they are acting out of love
(yes, I know that a jealous persons behaviour can seem
anything but loving) and fear the fear that you will leave
them. Reassurance may help. Try to explain that they are
loved and you are not involved with or seeking to be
involved with someone else. Try also raising the questions
posed above. "Why do you think that I would want to have
an affair with someone else"? "What makes you think that I
am having an affair"? "When do you think that I spend time
with this man or woman"? In answering these questions the
accuser will probably reveal his/her need for you as their
partner and fear that you might leave. This will make
discussion easier as it is getting closer to the true
source of the problem. That being not the returning home
from work later or seeming to have less interest in sex;
these are just the happenings that have triggered
insecurity in the accuser.
It might help to share with your partner the everyday
reason as to why you are returning from work later or for
any other change in your behaviour. Keeping your jealous
partner informed would ease their insecurities.
In the same vein if you have a jealousy problem just
imagine how irritating it would feel to have your partner
constantly questioning how you spend your time when not in
their company People tormenting themselves and their
partners with jealousy need to learn trust. Your partner is
not the parent or past partner who behaved badly in your
eyes. Your jealous behaviour is the greatest threat to your
relationship not other people who may find your partner
attractive.Your partner has chosen you.
Remember the qualities that caused them to choose you and
continue to display those qualities. If you are on the
receiving end of displays of jealousy try to remember that
your accuser is suffering too. It's hard to be sympathetic
to someone who is behaving in this fashion. However it's a
joint problem so you need to solve it together. Your
partner must have some good and loving qualities or you
would not be remaining in the relationship. Perhaps with
patience and reassurance you can talk things through and
solve your problem. It's unlikely to happen overnight.
However reassurance could help your partner to relax
leading to less jealous displays leading to a better
relationship. Or you may need to seek professional help.
This article deals with the subject of irrational jealousy.
The situation where life partners are actually having
affairs is beyond its scope.
Finally, how to tell if something belongs to you? Let it
go, if it comes back to you its yours, if it doesn't it
isn't. This applies to people too.
----------------------------------------------------
Eileen is a psychologist who turned around her life in the
area of relationships by applying the insights of
psychology. She is now passionate about helping other women
to do the same. Looking for your ideal man or want to
improve your relationship claim Eileen's free "Love Magnet"
report from her website
http://www.eileen@eileenedwards.co.uk or email
eileen@eileenedwards.co.uk
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