About three weeks after we met my friend Lisa ( not her
real name) rang me with some really exciting news, She had
met a special man, In her words the "most wonderful man
that she had ever met." At the time we were both twenty
something divorcees and I was happy to hear her good news.
Three weeks later it hadn't worked out. According to Lisa
the man in question wasn't wonderful anymore. He was
terrible according to Lisa. "How could she have been so
wrong"? I listened and attempted to help. This was before I
had decided to completely change the way that I handled my
own relationships. I was just beginning to acquire the
knowledge that would lead me to formulating a system that
would transform my relationships from disaster to success.
The phonecalls and face to face conversations with Lisa to
the effect that she had met her ideal man happened often.
Followed a few weeks later by her telling me how wrong she
had been and what a shock it was to realise that her idol
had feet of clay.
It soon became obvious even with my then limited knowledge
of psychology that Lisa had a pattern of behaviour, which
she repeated when meeting a new man that interested her.
That pattern is called "projection". Lisa had a mental
image of her ideal man 'which she would project onto men
she met who interested her. What Lisa saw in these men
had little to do with who they were. It wasn't about them
but about a mental picture of an ideal man that existed
only in Lisa's head. Hardly surprising then that these
males disappointed her as she expected them to live up to
being someone that they weren't.
Lisa's pattern of projecting caused her much
disappointment. She was doing one thing right however. She
had formulated a mental image of her ideal man that moved
her one important step ahead of many women in finding him;
it was what she was doing with the image that caused her
problems.
You can't have anything until you define it be it a new
outfit, home, car or holiday. If you doubt this try going
to your local Railway Station and asking for "a ticket to
somewhere" Even if you add "a ticket to somewhere nice" or
"somewhere where I'll be happy" this won't help. You'll get
nowhere until you define where you want to go. . So how was
Lisa getting it wrong?
A phonecall she made to me at about eleven thirty one
evening provides the key. Her voice sounded high on
excitement and she wanted to know everything I could tell
her about Tom K (not his real name). Tom was an
acquaintance of my then boyfriend and I had met him on two
occasions so knew little about him. Nevertheless Lisa
chattered on excitedly for roughly half an hour about her
meeting with Tom.
He had been amongst a group of people from a social club
she and I both belonged to who met some evenings in a pub
near her home. They had chatted about photography an
interest, which they shared and he had promised to show her
some landscapes he had taken. This was supposed to happen
the followed week when the group again met in the same pub.
Lisa saw this friendly conversation as the start of
something big the start of a great relationship to be
precise.
What happened next was becoming predictable. She had
arrived at the pub on the night of the next meeting no
doubt after taking a lot of trouble with her appearance.
Tom had been there as expected. However he had barely
acknowledged Lisa and simply gone on talking to others in
the group. She eventually plucked up the courage to ask him
about the photographs. Tom simply said that he "didn't have
them with him.". Lisa had an enjoyable conversation with
Tom the previous week no more no less. However she had
invested a significance in this that didn't exist for Tom.
She had started to build romantic dreams around it.
Imagine going out to drive from A to B you know your
destination and your route but totally ignore the
activities of other road users. Lisa was doing exactly this
when it came to relationships. She knew her destination,
which was finding a life partner. She even had a route
planned in that she knew the type of man that she wanted to
share her life with. However she totally ignored the road
conditions around her. In other words the fact that the
territory that she was passing through did not resemble her
inner map. The men she met did not fit her ideal.
Lisa could have kept an open mind when meeting a potential
life partner taking time to check out how he measured up to
the ideal in her mind. Instead she immediately assumed that
any man that attracted her would have the qualities of her
ideal man leading to frequent disappointment.
Let's take another analogy, A common sight at airports is
the taxi driver holding up a piece of cardboard with the
name of an incoming passenger on it. This is a fairly
obvious way for two strangers to recognise each other.
Let's say our incoming passenger is Mr Right. He sees the
sign with his name on it and heads towards our driver.
Or maybe the driver spots him first and indicates his sign
or goes over to speak to him. Either way the two people who
need to meet succeed in doing so. They are then able to
proceed together on their journey. The sign may in some
instances contain more information such as a company name
or the name of the hotel that the passenger is heading to.
All this facilitates taxi driver and our passenger Mr Right
meeting up with each other.
Imagine however instead that our taxi driver had simply
rushed up to male passengers at random declaring you must
be Mr Right. Perhaps by luck or law of averages he would
eventually find the man he was seeking.
Or Mr Right may have simply left the terminal and found
another way of getting to his destination. In any event it
would be a long drawn out process causing much frustration
for both driver and potential passenger. Actually checking
out that we have found Mr Right rather than just assuming
saves stress and annoyance. Even more importantly it saves
precious time, time that you will enjoy spending with Mr
Right once you are sure that you have found him.
----------------------------------------------------
To learn more about errors to avoid in seeking Mr Rightsee
Eileen's website http://www.eileenedwards.co.uk . Eileen is
a psychologist who went from disaster to success in her
personal relationships by using the insights of psycholgy.
Now she is passionate about helping women like you achieve
the happy relationships that they deserve.Would you like to
receive Eileen's free Love Magnet report simply email her
at eileen@eileenedwards.co.uk
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