People ask the most personal questions from the audience
when they see you letting your hair down about the abuse
that you endured.
For years, individuals asked me, "Are you sorry you didn't
leave after he hit you the first time?" "Knowing what can
happen in family court, do you wish you had stayed?" "Did
you ever consider running with your kids and living in
hiding?"
Each time I answered these questions, I came closer to
reconciling my choices. But now ten years later and ten
years wiser, I'm confident that what happened was good
timing under the circumstances.
Looking at the answer to each of these questions sheds
light on life in an abusive relationship. My hope is to
inspire your own insight regarding your choices or the
choices of a loved one.
QUESTION ONE "Are you sorry you didn't leave after he hit
you the first time?"
NO. If I had left after he hit me the first time, there
would be no third son. I was pregnant with my second son
when the abuse became physical.
Since reuniting with my youngest sons, I'm ever so clear
that the 13 years I had with them were years I will always
cherish. They are both amazing human beings and fabulous
young men. So, I can't even consider not having the chapter
in which they arrived and, of course, the chapter in which
I was blessed with raising them.
QUESTION TWO "Knowing what can happen in family court, do
you wish you had stayed?"
Hell NO. I was dying a slow psychologically painful death.
While from the outside looking in one may have seen a
family with it all, I knew we had nothing to hold our heads
up about, except our children.
Everyday I was dodging the impact or effects of verbal,
emotional and/or physical abuse. I was either recovering
from a blow, in a blow or avoiding a blow to myself and to
our children.
The days between the blows were certainly longer in our
earlier years as they are in most abusive relationships.
But after a while, it becomes the wallpaper of your life.
It's your chronic condition.
Since leaving that relationship and removing that
wallpaper, I have cultivated a connection with myself that
is the richest part of my life. I've discovered where
happiness resides.
QUESTION THREE "Did you ever consider running with your
kids and living in hiding?"
YES and NO. While that fantasy did run through my mind, I
knew it was not something I would do.
Remember I had three boys and my youngest two became
protected parties from their older brother as well as from
their father. The intergenerational dynamics made that out
of the question. And I knew the importance of the school
and neighborhood stability for my other sons (ages 10 and
13 at that time).
Moreover, I didn't fully awaken to the fact that our case
had utterly spun out of control until my oldest son was
nearly 15 years old. At that point, it was apparent to me
that time was on my side. It was only a matter of years
until each one came of age.
And most importantly, the "system failures" prevented me
from seeing my children anyway. (I'll never forget when the
custody evaluator said if my ex hits my oldest son, he'd
just hit him back.) It was clear that he was as capable as
his father in that way.
After fighting against abuse for 14 years (10 at home and 4
in court), I realized that removing myself from the
jurisdiction of Illinois divorce court was/is what would
provide for my long-term well-being and likelihood of
having options and rights of non-abused people.
I knew I needed to get out of the line of fire...step off
the railroad tracks and remove myself from the promise to
destroy me. I felt this was necessary to my being whole
when my sons could be free to make their own choices.
Essentially, I took away the last club my ex had—and
was using—to batter me.
As I look back, I recognize that I left at the nick of time
just before the curtain of judicial and/or psychiatric
confinement was at my door. So fortunately, I didn't lose
my marbles and personal liberties staying at battle when
the war was really over.
The decisions one makes while in and on one's way out of an
abusive relationship are very personal and unique to one's
circumstances. Whatever choices you make, recognize the
blessings that unfold and the doors that open for your
well-being to find you again.
----------------------------------------------------
If you are at war with abuse in your home or in court, you
may want to benefit from the insights compiled in these
domestic abuse resources. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps
people recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse at home
and in court. Copyright 2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D.
http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com/ebooks.php
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