What is it about the moment after we say hello that scares
us so much? Most guys with a little practice are able to
get the courage to approach a woman, but it is that first
few minutes that really messes with our heads. In the first
three minutes of a conversation it will be decided whether
she will continue talking to you or not. So much of it is
predicated on how committed we are. I can't stress that
enough that our warm vibe and commitment will encourage
their commitment. However this early part of the
interaction is such a source of overwhelming anxiety for a
lot of guys. The secret though is it is JUST as anxiety
ridden for women. Remember they are not responding to you,
they are responding to the truckloads of other guys who
have hit on them every time they go out to a bar. They HOPE
though that you are different, they have fantasies of being
swept off their feet by you. So remember that.
So now with our warm vibe and bright smile we open. We melt
their unsure demeanors and introduce ourselves. So now
what? What do I ask? What do I say? The longer I think
about it the more nervous i get. This is where the power of
the open ended question comes in followed by the vacuum. I
usually ask dumb questions i have to admit, right in that
first few seconds. Completely stupid questions. Where are
you from, How's your night going, Have you seen my gerbil,
oops, maybe not that last one. I actually recommend you
come up with some cooler questions then I do. However in
reality it doesn't matter what you ask, it is how you
respond.
The very first thing I do is relate to WHATEVER they say. I
can't emphasize this enough. Too many guys get into
question trains here searching for something they can
relate to peppering them with question after question.
There is a major imbalance in the interaction energy
exchange that you may not be aware of. You came up to them,
they acknowledged your presence, things are equal. You ask
them a question, they answer quickly without a lot of
detail. So of course since you didn't get much you ask
another question. They answer tentatively. You still can't
seem to get them to give more than a short answer. Do you
see how much more you are asking for them to give you then
you are willing to offer? You have approached wanting to
know them. You keep asking them questions. You are approval
seeking at this point. You want them to give you a bunch of
information about themselves to a complete stranger. YOU
HAVE TO RELATE to what they say. Now is the time to answer
your own question if they don't give you anything to work
with. If they did give you something, relate to THAT.
Relate to the emotion of your question or what they said.
You: Hi I'm Dan. Her: I'm Tracy You: How's your night
going? Her: Fine (She begins to look bored, can you blame
her? What a boring question!) You: I have to tell you mine
has been crazy! I love this town. I just had this
weightlifter chick put me in a headlock and almost squeeze
my head off with her guns. So don't get any ideas, I can
see you work out! Honestly though she didn't actually put
me in a headlock, but i was pretty scared. My guns are like
Popeye's girlfriend, what's her name, Olive Oil? But
seriously, you look pretty fit, what's your workout routine?
I am a bit of a goof ball so that may not work with you. So
just be yourself with some fun energy. Even if your
serious, relate with a STATEMENT. This statement models the
kind of answer you expect to get back from her on the next
question you ask.
You: Hi I'm SeriouslySuave. Her: I'm Tracy You: How's your
night going? Her: Fine You: Mine has been great. I'm out
with some new friends i just recently met. I just love when
I get to go out with a crew of people that are new, It is
so interesting to me to see how everyone acts in different
social situations. So how do you all know each other?
The important thing is to relate with a statement so she
doesn't feel you want her to hold up the entire
conversation by herself. Once she knows something about you
she will be much more likely to tell you more about her. In
fact this is like a poker game. The more your willing to
risk (showing your emotions and personality) the more she
will match you.
Once you get something from her, you HAVE to reward her. In
the seminar lately we have been pushing the words "I like
you, you're______". This is a great reward, definitely use
it! She says "F**k Off!" I say "Damn girl, I like you, your
feisty. Most women don't speak their mind. I admire that
about you." If she doesn't melt after that don't give up.
"So which brother of yours taught you to swear like a
sailor?" Rewarding her will make her want to tell you more.
Just like active listening. If someone is silent I don't
want to elaborate because I don't know if they are enjoying
listening. If they reward me by an "absolutely", "that's
interesting", "I never thought about it like that". I want
to tell them more. The REWARD portion of this process is
very important. It is not pavlovian, it is just showing
appreciation for what they are giving you and keeps things
equal.
Remember the Appreciate & Relate loop doesn't have to be
serious. You can have fun and be playful with it too!
If you are not appreciating and relating in the first three
minutes of an interaction, the imbalance will become so
great the interaction will fall apart. Stop your question
train, answer your own question, and reward her for input
into the conversation. That will make it easy to get to
know them and keep everything going smooth.
----------------------------------------------------
Geeky guy Dan McDonley has coached hundreds of guys how to
be a geek and still get the girl. If you want to
dramatically improve your dating life and not change your
geekness, get your free Geek dating tips ecourse and
discover 7 Mistakes YOU are making with WOMEN by going to
===> http://www.TheCharmingGeek.com
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