Surviving an affair and its pain is made easier by being
kind to one's self.
Perhaps this last phrase is a little strong.
But the reality in our Western culture often subtly conveys
that the wounded spouse has somehow failed.
The wayward spouse has "fallen in love" (...being in love
is vital for a wonderful relationship... right?) with
someone else and obviously the marriage was not meeting
his/her needs.
Some people blatantly utter this statement. Often (and I'm
a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 28 years of
experience) infidelity "counseling" by reputable therapists
often try to ascertain, "what went wrong in the marriage."
And, that means YOU.. what's wrong with you that s/he
bolted?
Kinda crazy, once you understand the dynamics of
infidelity, I know.
Family and friends are tongue tied and don't know what to
say or they offer the simplistic advise: "Kick him/her out!
I would!"
But, they don't understand that you know, at one level, the
emptiness and personal neediness of your cheating spouse,
for which s/he thought the affair to be the solution.
Or, you are labeled the victim. Poor you! You have it so
bad. Once again, a very unflattering description. You
certainly are NOT helpless. You have not lost your personal
power, although it may feel like it.
And, finally, from an outsiders point of view (and
sometimes your point of view) your cheating spouse has all
the power. S/he is calling the shots. You have lost or are
about to lose EVERYTHING and there is nothing you can do
about it.
The result of this negative onslaught: You form powerfully
negative and seemingly destructive thoughts and images,
about your self and them, that consume every waking moment.
To counteract or deal with this deluge of negativity, what
do you do?
Allow me to offer a few suggestions:
1. Think of your internal self as parts.
The terribly negative feelings occur when internally you
fail to make distinctions and lack the awareness that there
are different parts of you. You experience an internal
raging and churning mess.
2. Be aware of your internal dialogue (how you "talk to
yourself" in your mind.)
Are you upset with "yourself" for being in this position?
Well, that means that one part of you who doesn't want the
pain is upset with another part which feels the pain.
See where I'm going? Even now, as you consider this
possibility, do you internally feel a measure of relief?
Once you begin to identify the parts, you take back your
personal power, feel better and can engage more
productively in effective action.
3. Consciously pay attention to and use the three parts of
you.
There is the part that feels awful, perhaps worthless,
devalued, raging, etc.
Another part of you wants to attack that part, wants it to
go away. It might be exceedingly critical of your pain,
which is perceived as "weakness."When you feel your anger
or pain, you in essence are angry with that chunk of you
that feels the pain and powerlessness.
There is another part of you that can stand back and be
objective. This is the part of you that is now reading this
article. This part of you can think. This is the part of
you that will study and learn about infidelity. It will see
patterns. It will identify the motives of your cheating
spouse. It is that part that will strategize and employ
tactics to stop the affair and perhaps save the marriage.
This chunk becomes the nurturing and caring parent to the
part that experiences the pain and powerlessness. This is
the part of you that will teach the anger critical part
that it's criticism and anger is an attempt to protect and
care for you as well.
The more awareness you have of these different parts, the
more you are freed to cope and move ahead.
Your work, your power, your hope lies within. And, this is
very doable.
Yes, you will slide into the internal criticism and the
pain, but a part of you with compassion will call you out
of that pain and into something more constructive, time and
time again.
----------------------------------------------------
Dr. Robert Huizenga, CSW, LMFT, The Infidelity Coach, is an
author, and Marriage and Family Therapist. For the past two
decades he has served hundreds of couples, specifically in
the area of marital infidelity. He is author of "Break Free
From The Affair." Information on Dr. Huizenga's book and
other services is available on his web site:
http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
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