Can Cheaters' Marriages Be Saved?

Can your marriage recover from an affair?

The damage caused by an affair is obvious. How can a
person who has proven him / herself capable of sneaking
around and being intimate with a third party ever be
trusted again? It may not be possible, but if you and your
spouse are at all interested in continuing your marriage,
there are things you will have to do that won't be easy.

1. If you are the one who had the affair, you will have to
come clean. I don't mean that you have to admit you
dallied, you both already know that. I mean come clean.
You have to answer all of the questions your spouse has
about the other person, your reasons for doing it, and why
your spouse can trust you not to do it again. Maybe your
spouse won't ask you a lot. Some people aren't that
curious. However, if he / she does want information, you
should provide it. After all, you have invaded the privacy
of your marriage by introducing a third person into the
mix. You have given good reason for your spouse not to
trust you, and he / she has a right to make you show your
trustworthiness by assuring him / herself that you are now
being honest.

2. You will have to let your spouse monitor your movements
until he /she can trust you to be where you're supposed to
be. Remember the times you worked late? You'd better be
at the office when he / she calls or stops in for a
surprise visit. Remember when you said you were going to
step out to buy a pack of gum and didn't come back for four
hours? Your spouse may insist on coming with you the next
time you have a Juicy Fruit attack. It will be awhile
before he / she can trust you to be back from your errands
when you say you will, or at least within the time it
usually takes to do what you said you were going to do.

3. Your cell phone, computer and credit card receipts
won't be private anymore. You won't enjoy being treated
like a child, but you acted like one when you lied to your
spouse by including a stranger in your intimate life. Now,
he / she will need to satisfy him / herself that you can be
trusted again. Hiding things and acting secretive won't
help you regain that trust.

If you are the injured party, reconciliation may be even
harder to bring about. Before you decide to try it, there
are some things you should consider:

4. Can you ever let go of your spouse's indiscretion? Will
you ever be able to look him / her in the eye and say "I
trust you"? Eventually, he / she will have to go to work,
the doctor's office or the grocery store without you. Will
you agonize about his / her whereabouts every time he / she
is out of your sight?

5. Who knows about the affair? Who told you it was
happening? If you found out from a friend or family
member, are you willing to face his / her curiosity and
possible judgment? You can blithely say "it's none of his
/ her business", but the fact is this person is a member of
your community, and you will probably have to deal with him
/ her again. Will you resent your partner every time you
have to face a friend or relative who knows about the
affair? It is, after all, embarrassing to deal with
people who know your shame, especially when you risk
letting it happen again.

6. Finally, can you really forgive and forget? No one is
perfect, and even if your spouse never cheats again, he /
she will do things you don't like. This is a fact of life.
He / she will make you angry about something down the
line. Human beings rarely are so in tune with each other
that they never have conflicts, and you and your spouse are
no exception. So, when he drinks too much, or she uses the
credit card too freely, will you be able to focus on your
real grievance, or will every mistake lead back to the
affair? "I'll bet you didn't drink too much and embarrass
her in front of her whole family". "Maybe he could afford
your extravagances, but I'm not made of money."

Infidelity is probably the one thing that is hardest to
forgive in a committed relationship. The one who is
betrayed not only feels angry and disappointed, but foolish
for trusting in the first place. The one who does the
cheating feels guilty, and stupid, if for no other reason
than that he / she was caught red handed. Even if the
couple love each other and want their marriage to work out,
they will have to face some serious emotional barriers. It
will take patience and care to repair the relationship.
There will be times when you'll question your willingness
to endure the pain reconciling will entail. However, if
you and your spouse are willing to do the heavy lifting,
you may find that your marriage is stronger and better in
the end.

----------------------------------------------------
For more on relationships and family law issues, visit
Lucille at http://www.couple-or-not.com If you have a
question, or just need to vent, Lucille would love to hear
from you at Lucille@couple-or-not.com or
Lucille@Utter-Law.com.

EasyPublish this article: http://submityourarticle.com/articles/easypublish.php?art_id=67922