I recently shared a meal with some acquaintances. The
conversation turned to how relationships start. Someone
explained, to much laughter from the group, how she tried
everything to get away, but eventually realised that
someone was Mr Right and perfect for her. That moment
changed her life.
One of the men nodded, and agreed that one just know when
someone is right. He had the same feeling when he met his
girlfriend a few months before.
I knew the man was married, but in England there is this
weird situation where you get divorced in stages - like
cutting off the tail of a dog bit by bit, so that it will
hurt less? And form what I can gather British people
generally do not wait for the process to end before they
move on to a different relationship.
When I asked sympathetically how long the man had been
separated from his wife, he said no, he is happily married.
He then told me that in the UK it is "traditional" for a
man to have a mistress. He also said that his wife was
aware of his "lady friends" but she has no idea how
intimate these "friendships" are, and that kept them both
happy.
That did not really surprise me. A few months after I
arrived in the UK, I went to visit a lady in her 80's when
she was recovering in hospital after an operation. We were
talking about the news of the day, which had something to
do with the accident in which princess Diana died. I must
have said something about Diana (I cannot remember the
entire conversation) but that triggered a tirade against
Diana because "she did not know her place, she was not
royal, and she complained about nothing and embarrassed the
royal family, because a man, and especially a prince, is
fully entitled to his 'bit on the side'".
I was astonished at the time, not so much about what the
old lady said, but because I got to know her as a very
Christian person and a staunch supporter of the Church of
England. But then the Church of England has its roots in
the actions of King Henry VIII who had a wandering eye and
believed that his rules were the only rules, especially
when it came to women.
I was not quite sure what to think about this man that
seems to be an intelligent, decent man who gets on well
with everybody.
However, outside of work you would think that he is a
predator that finds vulnerable women, tells them that he is
married and intends to remain so, and then has a
relationship with them that obviously excludes children and
many other means of sharing a life. Those women know that
they cannot make any claim on his time or how he lives his
life, because society will turn against the women as being
home-wreckers. Few people will question the motives of a
happily married man.
I am not convinced that his wife really knows nothing about
these other women (it turned out there were two of them at
the time, and he really has to juggle his social schedule
to get round to everyone and ensure that he is not
discovered).
Is this about morality? That is what most people would
think.
However, I am convinced that it is about balance. The
husband finds other women because he is missing some
balance in his life. He does not have much in common with
his wife (I overheard conversations where he was perfectly
civil and friendly with her, but he could not remember
which day of the week she has a half-day job). This does
not matter to him because by the time he gets home she is
there, waiting for him. With his mistresses, on the other
hand, he always knows where they are - and this is
important because he does not want them to run into each
other or into his wife. That is balance.
Where is the balance for the wife? She is financially
dependent on her husband. If she leaves him, she will have
to find a job to maintain herself. If she values having
loads of free time without her husband (that may even
include a relationship with another man) and being
maintained by a man, then she is satisfied. However, this
will only be the position when she values those things
above fidelity and honesty.
Where is the balance for the mistress? Her need for sex is
satisfied, and she has the excitement of an illicit
relationship as well as companionship. At the same time
she has an admirer that is not there all the time, which
gives her freedom. As long as these values outrank the
values of for example having children or having a
relationship based on trust, then she is happy.
Most often when a relationship comes to an end, it is
because the values of the two partners clash. Sometimes
people get into a relationship with clashing values, and
they quickly move from infatuation to resentment and the
end of the relationship. Other times people with different
values have a relationship, and they grow and learn from
one another.
When you look at the satisfaction of values in a marriage
rather than at the document that makes it a marriage, the
picture looks different. And the same holds for other
relationships like employment or friendship as well.
Next time I will withhold my judgement and rather add to my
understanding.
----------------------------------------------------
Elsabe Smit is the author of the soul-touching collection
of short stories, A Tapestry of Life and of the blog
http://www.mypurpleblog.com , Spiritual interpretations of
everyday life.
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