Why do we hate victims of domestic abuse?
We hate the hold their perpetrators have over them when it
interferes with us getting what love and affection we are
accustom to receiving from them.
We hate the frustration of not being able to shake them
awake. We hate their choosing to be controlled over the
life they had before their abusive relationship.
We don't hate them. We hate what their abusive relationship
means to us.
How can we reconcile their choice without it further
compromising our relationship with them?
The answer to this question can ultimately save your
relationship with them. And moreover, potentially save them
as well.
A) Remember they are the keeper of their temple, and they
are ultimately responsible to and for their choices.
B) Our ability to honor their position is as important to
the well-being of our relationship with them as our
motivation to rock their boat.
C) After we have expressed our opinions, played our hand,
disclosed the facts we observe, provided the appropriate
domestic abuse resources, etc., the rest is theirs.
Relationships are dynamic. As we can remain there for our
loved one in an abusive relationship, we can be there when
they are ready to grab our hand for help. But until that
time, we must be mindful of whom we are helping if we reach
out from our own losses.
What can happen if we bully our help with abused loved ones?
Some people believe in the "tough love" approach to helping
loved ones in an abusive relationship. However more often
than not, this backfires.
It tells the abused to exercise caution when they are on
the outward stroke of the relationship, because candor says
"you're right." And when the time comes when you are needed
most, you maybe the last person to be called. Ultimately,
you may very well nourish the sinking of the lifeboat that
you could have been for your friend or loved one in an
abusive relationship.
Keep the lifeboat afloat and enjoy whatever elements of
relationship you have with your loved one while on the
inward as well as the outward stroke of an abusive
relationship.
Domestic violence comes in all shapes and sizes...all
levels of danger, oppression and control. There is no one
other than the victim in an abusive relationship that knows
their situation better than themselves.
As we trust and respect that, we give them what is probably
missing in their abusive relationship and we model what we
so earnestly long for them to have.
----------------------------------------------------
For more information on helping a loved one break the cycle
of abuse, I invite you to check out Stop Domestic Abuse at
http://www.enddomesticabuse.org/helping_ebook.php , where
you can also claim your free Survivor Success Tips and
eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps individuals and
families recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse.
Copyright 2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D.
http://www.EndDomesticAbuse.org
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