Domestic violence abuse is a term that makes most people
uncomfortable. No one likes to think they know someone or
that they themselves are in an abusive relationship.
Thoughts of domestic abuse can cause feelings of despair,
uncertainty and fear.
When filled with fear on a topic it is best to replace that
fear with knowledge. In recognition of Domestic Violence
Awareness Month, Luanna Rodham interviewed Dr. Jeanne King
to help educate people in abusive relationships and
concerned friends and family.
Question: Dr. King, when someone uses the term "domestic
abuse" or "abusive relationship," most people automatically
assume it is a woman who is being abused. Is that a
correct assumption?
No, it is simply the more publicized gender. Most people
will tell you domestic violence is a women's issue, however
statistics show that 37% of domestic abuse victims each
year are in fact men.
I think of it as a human issue. The dynamics of abusive
relationships when the victimized partner is a man are the
same as the dynamics when it is a woman. In my own
psychotherapy practice, the only difference I see between
victimized men and women is the economic resources and the
social political issues surrounding their circumstances.
Question: How would you define an "abusive relationship?"
Does abuse always mean physical?
An abusive relationship is defined as one in which there is
ongoing and intentional violation by one intimate partner
to another. And the primary underlying mechanism
establishing and maintaining the abusive relationship is
control.
Battering is what is used to maintain the dynamic of
unequal power in the relationship. And this battering can
be physical, emotional, psychological or verbal abuse.
Question: What are some signs that a person may be in an
abusive relationship?
Your best indicators are internal. You are usually the
first to know and the last to admit it. On a primal level,
you feel violated and it hurts. You experience yourself as
being oppressed, manipulated, controlled...caged. Much of
the time you live your life as though you are walking on
eggshells.
Your partner will exhibit all of the classic signs of a
batterer, like: possessiveness, excessive jealously,
controlling-manipulative behavior, hypersensitivity, and of
course the behavioral and mood shifts of a Dr. Jekyll /Mr.
Hyde personality.
Question: Dr. King, when a person is in this type of
relationship, is it true that they are very guarded? If
so, how does a person who is being abused find help without
publicizing the problem?
Guarded is not the way I would describe it, but as an
outsider looking in I can see how one might use that word.
I suppose you are referring to her/his cautiousness and
possible display of hyper-vigilance. The conditioning
inherent in the relationship definitely sets a tone for
this.
Concerning getting help... It is always best to seek out
help from individuals and groups that fully understand
domestic violence and all of the safety issues that go
hand-in-hand with this problem. These people will know and
genuinely respect a survivor's need for anonymity. They
will even help victims/survivors protect their anonymity,
rather than give lip service to the need to do so.
Question: When using the term "domestic violence," does
the violence happen to the children as well or primarily to
one of the parents? How does domestic violence affect the
children in the home?
More often than not, if one parent is victimized, children
will be victimized as well. The statistics on this draw
from battered women. It is estimated that 60-70% of men who
batter their female partners also batter their children. In
fact, according to child abuse experts, intimate partner
violence is the best predictor of child abuse. Some
pediatricians say it's the number one indicator of child
abuse.
The answer to this question regarding the impact on
children, Luanna, can fill volumes. Suffice it to say,
domestic abuse is damaging from the inside out, from the
core of your being. And when that being is in its formative
years, development can be impaired profoundly. This
including emotional, social, cognitive, behavioral and
psychological development.
Question: What would be your advice to someone reading
this article that is in an abusive relationship? What
steps should they take now to help themselves?
There are three critical things one must do if you think
you're in a relationship in which there is intimate partner
violence.
1) Identify the condition clearly and accurately, and you
will treat it more effectively and successfully. If you
don't, one day you will treat it like it is alcohol abuse,
and then it may look like partner abuse or narcissistic
personality, or even intermittent explosive disorder. You
can go round and round essentially not treating it at all,
if you fail to diagnose it.
2) Surrender responsibility for the battering behavior. And
this includes accountability for it and responsibility to
"fix" it, as well as one's belief that you have the
wherewithal to fix it. This will enhance prognosis more
than any other therapeutic change.
3) Secure support external to the relationship abuse. The
operative word here is "external." You want an alignment
with a source of support that does not support your own
internal denial or personal confusion, but rather helps you
shine the light on your inner and outer world so clearly
that it escorts you to safety and well-being, before the
abuse spirals out of control.
As confirmed by Dr. King, domestic abuse can be harmful to
the entire family. Diagnosing the problem and recognizing
the effect abuse has on a person and a family is the first
step to recovery. Remember that there is help for a person
in an abusive relationship. And fortunately, there is
always hope.
----------------------------------------------------
For more information about abusive relationships, visit
http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com/ebooks.php and
claim your free Survivor Success Tips and eInsights. Dr.
Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people worldwide recognize, end
and heal from domestic abuse at home and in court. Luanna
Rodham, interviewing Dr. King, is a Virtual Assistant and
Staff Editor for IdeaMarketers.com. Copyright 2008 Jeanne
King, Ph.D. and Luanna Rodham
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