Verbal abuse, as well as emotional abuse, result in wounds
and scars deep within. In the following interview we look
at the impact upon the victim and offer recommendations for
her surviving and thriving beyond the battering.
The following is part two of an interview with Kate
Carlson, OTR/L interviewing Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D., leading
expert in the subtle communication patterns of battering
relationships.
QUESTION 1: What would you tell a person who is being
verbally abused? How would you help her help herself?
Dr. King: The most important thing to realize is the verbal
licks and kicks are not about you; rather they say more
about your battering partner. And what it typically says
is, his felt impotence is longing omnipotence in that
particular moment in time.
As far as helping her help herself, this is the most
important goal. Because as she does, she grows to no longer
tolerate abuse and acquires skills for dealing with it. I
would help her by first facilitating her awareness of the
way in which the verbal abuse impacts her physically,
emotionally and psychologically. From here, the prognosis
improves manifold...because no one truly wants to be abused.
QUESTION 2: Do you discuss listening to one's inner voice?
What do you recommend listening for in your inner voice?
Can this be a contrast to the verbal abuse? If so, how?
Dr. King: Not only do I discuss listening to one's inner
voice, I help my patients find and hear their inner voice.
This is central to, even more...critical to, finding and
knowing what's right for oneself.
You ask if the message of the inner voice is a contrast to
the verbal abuse. It most definitely can be. You see, the
inner voice is the message of what's right with you and
reflects your highest good. So, you can pretty much expect
this to be the opposite of the verbal licks and kicks
intended to knock one down.
QUESTION 3: How would someone know if a friend may be being
verbally/emotionally abused? Especially if it happens when
the friend isn't right there to hear it? (Could you notice
personality changes? What else?)
Dr. King: When you are with your friend and you observe her
to be less than herself in the company of her partner, then
you may suspect the strain of an abusive relationship. She
may appear somewhat repressed, less spontaneous, more
guarded when she is in public with him.
QUESTION 4: In abusive relationships, does verbal
abuse/psychological abuse always precede physical or sexual
violence - if these other abuses occur within a
relationship? How do they "work" together/how do they
interrelate?
Dr. King: This is an excellent question. First and most
obvious, yes verbal and psychological abuse typically
precede physical and sexual abuse in abusive relationships.
Then once the relationship battering escalates to more
physical altercations, a shift occurs. That is, from here
on, the emotional and verbal abuse can then serve to let
the victim know the big one is right around the corner.
QUESTION 5: How does a verbal abuser's reaction to a
victim's speaking up work to silence her? (ex. When he
says, "You're too sensitive" or "You're making a mountain
out of a molehill" etc. How do these responses effectively
silence her?)
Dr. King: Those responses discourage her connecting with
her inner reality, and rather prompt her to question what
she feels to be true. These responses by the batterer are
intended to do exactly what you point out: silence her.
They are comments of minimizing, externalizing,
rationalizing, outright denying...all intended to maintain
the status quo.
QUESTION 6: How does silencing her serve the (verbal)
abuser?
Dr. King: As I've said, silencing her, aids in maintaining
the status quo. A batterer will use battering to both
establish and maintain unequal power within the
relationship. And the silencing serves to maintain the
control having been established.
QUESTION 7: Do you have any other comments regarding verbal
abuse in general?
Dr. King: Yes, verbal abuse can be regarded as friend,
rather than foe. You see, when you use this indicator as a
warning sign and if it co-exists in the context of the 5
red flags of an abusive relationship, you have all the
information you need to make choices that serve your
highest good...before and without ever getting hit.
----------------------------------------------------
For more information on emotional and verbal abuse, see the
Emotional Verbal Abuse: How to Recognize, Cope and Heal.
Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people identify, stop and heal
from domestic abuse. Kate Carlson is an OTR/L at
http://www.victoryspeaks.com
http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/emotional_verbal_
abuse.php<p>
Copyright 2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Abuse
Prevention and Intervention
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