Affairs Hurt Everyone Involved

Infidelity hurts like the dickens. Anyone who has ever
been there knows the pain of being deceived. In fact, the
lie is probably the worst thing about a spouse's affair.

Consider how you feel when someone misleads you. Have you
ever bought something because the ad said it would solve a
problem you had? You bring the thing home, and find that
it does little to answer your need. You feel taken, and
probably say a few words that you'd rather your minister
not hear from your sweet lips. If the manufacturer offered
an apology for misleading you, but did not give you money
back, would you be satisfied?

You wouldn't be inclined to do business with that company
again if you could avoid it. But, what if it happened to
develop a product that you could use to save your life?
Let us say that the promises the company made this time
were believed and to some extent tried by people you
trusted. Would you give them a second chance? Would you
feel good about it?

I'm not saying that finding out about a partner's affair is
no more painful than finding that Carl The Honest Tri-state
Car Guy might have embellished the truth when he bragged
about his satisfied customers. After all, you may be mad
at yourself for trusting him, but you never exchanged vows
with him, and although losing money is a pain, it's nothing
personal.

When a spouse or partner fools around, the betrayal is much
deeper. When you commit to building a life together, the
expectation is that you will share everything, bad or good.
All relationships have their rough spots, but the sharing
part should remain consistent. Your good news or bad
feelings should not be given to a third party when you have
already promised your whole person to another.

This isn't to say that there is never a good reason to end
a marriage or partnership. Some people aren't meant to be
together, and they don't realize how incompatible they are
until they have committed. However, the most important
part of the commitment is trust, and trust is a function of
openness and honesty.

When one of the partners damages that trust by sneaking a
third person into the relationship, the partner not only
feels deceived, but truly foolish. After all, how would
you feel if you mistakenly confided your deepest emotions
and thoughts to the neighborhood gossip? How would you
feel if you exposed your best and worst to someone you
loved, only to find he / she didn't even respect you enough
to keep his / her mouth shut?

If you are unhappy in your relationship, you owe it to your
partner to share your unhappiness. You should tell him /
her why you are dissatisfied. This is true whether you
think the present relationship should end or not. You
don't have a right to pull the rug out from under your
spouse or partner while you are building a nice feathered
landing for yourself.

If you concentrate on your current relationship before
starting something else, you may be able to work out your
differences. After all, there was something that attracted
you to your current partner in the first place, or you
would never have committed yourself to the relationship.
If you don't resolve your differences with this person,
what makes you think you can handle difficulties that could
arise with someone else?

Even if you can't heal your differences with your current
partner, you owe it to the next person to make a clean
break. You can't offer your whole self to another if you
are still working through the damage of the old
relationship. If your new situation resulted from the fact
that you felt unhappy with the old one, your reasons for
taking up with the new person are questionable, at best.
You can't make good choices about your life when you are
angry, resentful, disappointed or otherwise not at your
best.

If you are dishonest with your partner, you are breaking
the most basic of your vows. You are telling them, as well
as yourself, that your word is no good, and that you can't
be trusted. The new person is getting your partner's
leftovers, and you are trying to divide your resources
between two people who frankly deserve your whole
attention. If you are running around on your partner, or
even thinking about doing it, please stop. I can't
guarantee you that you will find happiness ever after if
you take this advice, but I can assure you that you will
make better choices if you have enough self respect not to
be a sneak.

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Whether you are interested in family law issues or just
need help with your relationships, you'll find what you
need at http://couple-or-not.com or
http://www.couple-or-not.com/blog If you have a question
or just want to talk, write to me at lucille@utter-law.com.

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