Keep The Communication Lines Open Even When You're Steamed

Communication is more than talking to each other. It is
more about getting your feelings across effectively, and
encouraging your partner to do the same. These tips should
help you keep your relationship air cleared.

1. If you have a bone to pick with your partner, invite
him / her to sit down. Explain that you don't understand
what he / she said or did, and admit that it hurt your
feelings, made you angry, or whatever effect it had. Give
your partner time to respond, and don't contradict him /
her.

"It hurt my feelings when you discussed my weight in front
of your mother."

"I felt angry when you told me I spent too much on my mom's
birthday."

You may not like what your partner has to say in response,
but listen anyway. If what he / she says confuses you, ask
him / her to explain.

"Does it matter to you how much I weigh? If it does, can
you tell me why?"

"Are you worried about money? I thought we had enough for
the gift I bought."

If you discuss your annoyances rationally, you will at
least understand what your partner's concerns are.

If you start out with:"Don't you EVER discuss my weight in
front of your mother again."

"You're such a cheap skate. It seems we spend plenty on
your relatives."

you may be justified, but after the yelling and screaming,
you won't be any better informed. The disagreement may be
aired, but it won't be settled. If you threaten, curse or
pout, your partner will be more inclined to dig his / her
heels in and feel justified in repeating his / her
offensive behavior. If he / she knows how you received his
/ her words, and that they were hurtful, maybe he / she
will act differently in the future.

2. Don't contradict your partner when he / she shares his
/ her feelings. Don't minimize his / her experience, or
tell him / her he /she is exaggerating. Even if you think
he /she is wrong, remember, you can only know how you feel,
and you won't know his / her feelings until he / she tells
you. You can't know exactly how your words or actions feel
to someone else unless you let him / her tell you.

"When you tease me about my weight in front of your mother,
she looks at me like she thinks I'm disgusting."

"I didn't realize you felt that way. I didn't interpret
her expression as disgust."

"That's how it feels to me. I would appreciate it if you
would not comment on my body in public."

is much more constructive than:

"Oh she does not! She knows I'm kidding you! Lighten up!"

3. Your friends in high school may have been intimidated
when you ignored them, but your partner is another adult
who deserves more respect. Comments such as "you know why
I'm mad" and "ask your sister, she heard what you said"
may make you feel better, but, again, they aren't
informative. We'd all like to think the reason for our
anger is universal, and that a person in his / her right
mind would understand how we feel without being told.
However, your partner may genuinely not know why your mad,
sorry, disappointed, or angry with him / her, and if you
withhold this information, he / she will lose interest in
guessing. Calmly explain what makes you angry about your
partner's behavior even if you think it should be obvious.
We have all had different life experiences, and your
partner's may not have included events that would inform
him / her that his / her behavior is hurtful to some. In
short, lack of information, not malice may be behind your
partner's hurtful actions.

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Come one, come all! Lucille Uttermohlen has been a family
law attorney for 27 years, and she will answer your
questions about dating, unmarried partnerships, marriage
and divorce either at her web site
http://www.couple-or-not.com or if you write to her at
lucille@utter-law.com or lucille@couple-or-not.com

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