Intimate partner violence is best avoided by understanding
the warning signs of an abusive relationship. In an effort
to help educate young women and increase awareness of
relationship abuse, Kate Carlson, OTR/L interviews Dr.
Jeanne King, Ph.D.
Kate Carlson: Throughout the progressive stages of verbal
abuse, is there a typical pattern you have observed through
your years of experience? If so, what are the typical
patterns an abuser uses and/or does there seem to be an
over-riding goal or purpose to the verbal abuse?
Dr. Jeanne King: In response to your first question, yes I
observe a "typical pattern" and it is one of escalation
over time. The escalation can be in intensity of the verbal
assaults and/or in increased frequency of the verbal abuse.
As far as your second question regarding the over-riding
goal or purpose of the verbal abuse, there is most
definitely a purpose. And this purpose is to establish and
maintain unequal power in the relationship. As the
perpetrator secures more of the power in the relationship,
so does he/she maintain more of the control. Ultimately,
it's all about control.
Kate Carlson: For example, with name calling or teasing
(Airhead or calling her a Sex-atary) and when it is
mentioned that this hurts her feelings or she finds the
comments demeaning, his response is along the lines of
minimizing or ignoring her feelings. Like... "You're making
a mountain out of a molehill," or "Can't you take a joke?"
But that the verbal abuse/name calling does not stop, in
fact over time, it grows more frequent and negative. Is
this commonly what you have observed in your practice?
Dr. Jeanne King: Yes, it is the nature of the
syndrome...that is the nature of intimate partner violence.
The batterer will not assume responsibility for his/her
actions as you point them out. Rather they will seek to
externalize, minimize and deflect. Further, all done
without regard for the experience of the other
person...i.e. without empathy.
Kate Carlson: If this is one common example, do you have
other common patterns of verbal abuse?
Dr. Jeanne King: The basic pattern is typically escalating
and without ownership of one's actions or sensitivity of
the impact of these actions on another.
Kate Carlson: If you were to counsel a woman experiencing
this type of verbal abuse, what would be some observations
you'd bring to her attention and/or recommendations you'd
offer?
Dr. Jeanne King: The observations I'd bring to her
attention have to do with her feeling state. That is how
does she feel when being verbally abused. When I can help
someone taste that feeling, the light goes off and they see
the verbal abuse for what it is.
As far as the recommendations, I'd offer:
a) Be mindful of the feelings within and be mindful of your
response.
b) Learn how to maintain your equanimity, deflect the
verbal assault, and do not assume responsibility for it.
c) And lastly, always know the verbal abuse is not about
you.
Kate Carlson: What is going on in the interactions noted
above and with verbal abuse in general? How does this
escalation affect the victim's behavior/self-esteem over
time?
Dr. Jeanne King: The effect on the victim depends on how
the verbal assault is received and what is done in response
to it. If it is internalized, it can have a destructive
effect, which over time can be psychologically
debilitating. And yes, it can impact one's self-esteem for
a number of reasons but that's another interview.
----------------------------------------------------
For more information on emotional verbal abuse, see
Emotional Verbal Abuse: How to Recognize, Cope and Heal.
Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D., leading expert in the subtle
communication patterns of abusive relationships, helps
people recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. Kate
Carlson is an OTR/L at victoryspeaks.com. Copyright 2009
Jeanne King, Ph.D.
http://www.enddomesticabuse.org/emotional_verbal_abuse.php
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