If you are a single person on the dating scene today, there
is an excellent chance you will someday be dating a partner
with children. And of course, if you are already a single
parent dating, you will definitely be in a relationship
that involves your children and potentially your partner's
children. In both cases there are some things you should
know as you head into the step dating realm.
The term Step Dating is applied when two single parents
date or when a single dates a single parent. We refer to
is as "Step" Dating because the dynamics have so much in
common with living in a stepfamily, or a blended family for
that matter.
It is important for single parents and their partners to be
aware of these dynamics in order to navigate a successful
step dating relationship while also safeguarding the rights
and interests of the children. It is particularly important
if they are embarking on a serious commitment that may lead
to remarriage. If it sounds easy, it isn't; just ask anyone
who has been there and they will tell you that there are
many myths that lead people astray and at a basic level, it
is not easy for partners to talk about or address the
somewhat sensitive issues that arise in a step dating
relationship. Let's touch on two common themes that tend to
trip people up, both of which revolve around a
misunderstanding of the role love plays in step
relationships.
1.) Biological parents are of course not just looking for
a potential mate, but are hoping to find someone that could
be a suitable stepparent to his or her children. In doing
so, their enthusiasm about a new relationship, can often
translate into expectations that their dating partner will
"love" their children. This tends to put a lot of pressure
on their partner, whether they have children of their own
or not and it is simply not a very realistic expectation.
It is very important for people to know that loving the
other person's child(ren) is not a prerequisite for a
healthy adult relationship or even for a successful step
family. As the relationship progresses, the requirements
include having a healthy concern for the well-being of your
partner's children, ability to understand, respect and
protect their rights, and a willingness to serve as a role
model and friend to them. But the pressure to bond with
and or love another person's biological children in the
context of a step dating relationship almost always
backfires and actually makes it harder for individuals to
get to know and get close to their partner's children. It
can also create resentment between the partners if
unrealistic expectations go unchecked and unmet.
2.) It is a common misconception in dating relationships
of all kinds, that Love Will Indeed Conquer All. The truth
is, that almost all couples who enter into step dating
relationships and certainly the majority who go on to make
a remarriage commitment, on some level trust that their
love will get them through and yet the stats tell us a very
different story. We have a divorce rate in second
marriages with children that hovers around 50-60% in
Canada 60-70% in the US. So love alone is not saving
second marriages from the clutches of separation and
divorce. When you cite these alarming statistics, people
often respond by saying that "those other couples just
didn't love each other enough", but WE DO! Being
naïve about what is required beyond love in any
relationship, is a recipe for disaster and even more so in
highly complex step relationships.
Love is undeniably very important but learning what you can
expect in your relationship, how to plan for it, and how to
make good relationship choices will significantly increase
your chances of success in step relationships at any stage.
The reality is that step dating relationships and the step
families that often result from them are more complex and
come loaded with challenges that couples must prepare
themselves for, in addition to cultivating and nurturing
their love for one another. The following Seven Steps are
highly recommended to assist couples in making good
relationship decisions and facing challenges they can
expect in a step dating relationship.
1.) Get clear on what type of relationship you are looking
for, what matters to you most and what you are willing to
commit to in a relationship.
2.) Get to know each other and the children involved, Very
Well, over a significant period of time.
3.) Observe how the children respond and interact within
the new relationship.
4.) Learn everything you can about step family dynamics
which are alive and well during the step dating phase.
5.) Discover what your roles with each other's children,
should be at the various stages of relationship development.
6.) Be honest with yourself about whether this is the right
relationship for you. Don't be afraid to recognize red
flags or warning signs that may be telling you this is not
the right relationship for you or for you and your
child(ren). Now is the time to be choosy.
7.) Don't avoid the tough or sensitive issues and if you
are having difficulty discussing certain things with your
partner, seek out professional support to assist you in
having those all too important discussions. If you are
finding yourself resisting asking a question or bringing up
a particular issue, chances are these are the very things
that need to be addressed if the relationship has any
chance of progressing forward.
From step dating through to remarriage and second families,
couples are required to be aware of what, beyond love, is
required to make their relationships work. It begins with
being able to balance the feeling aspects of romance and
love with an emphasis on knowing what you are looking for
in a relationship (your requirements) and making conscious
choices that will satisfy your needs and requirements.
There is a lot at stake for single parents and singles
dating single parents and the importance of balancing your
head's intentions with your heart's inclinations is
undeniably essential.
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Yvonne Kelly is a Certified Stepfamily Coach. She founded
The Step and Blended Family Institute. Yvonne coaches step
dating couples with children, offers Remarriage Preparation
and coaches existing stepfamilies to achieve success. To
learn more about how to safeguard your step relationships
go to
http://www.stepinstitute.ca
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