Verbal abuse is toxic. The following is Kate Carlson,
OTR/L interviewing domestic abuse consulting expert Dr.
Jeanne King, Ph.D. in an effort to help people recognize
and understand verbal abuse in unhealthy relationships.
1) Kate Carlson: In your words, please define verbal abuse
and emotional abuse. And how someone can recognize these
within a relationship.
Dr. Jeanne King: Verbal abuse is the use of derogatory
language and/or tone toward another person. Emotional abuse
is the intentional manipulation of and/or disregard for
another person's inner world.
Both emotional and verbal abuse evolve out from one
person's effort to establish and/or maintain unequal power
within the relationship.
2) Kate Carlson: Does verbal abuse typically begin right
away?
Dr. Jeanne King: The time in which verbal abuse creeps into
the relationship is a function of numerous factors. One can
expect to see it before physical abuse and along with
emotional abuse.
3) Kate Carlson: How can you tell verbal abuse from
relationship strife?
Dr. Jeanne King: Verbal abuse carries with it the intent to
establish and/or maintain unequal power within the
relationship and is rarely, if ever, shadowed by any
remorse. Relationship strife, on the other hand, is
misplaced aggression and is typically followed by authentic
remorse.
4) Kate Carlson: What are the effects of verbal abuse on
the individual? Can you comment on how the escalation of
verbal abuse affects an abuse victim's behavior over time?
Dr. Jeanne King: The effects of verbal abuse on an
individual depend on the individual. For some, it will
cause them to pull away from the relationship; whereas,
other individuals will remain in the relationship and
become beaten down over time by the verbal abuse.
The effects on the "abuse victim's" behavior become
progressively more debilitating as long as one remains in
the abuse dynamic. Often one will internalize the battering
commentary and begin to see themselves through the eyes of
their abuser.
5. ) Kate Carlson: How would you recognize it in yourself,
your relationship with your partner and in your self-talk?
Dr. Jeanne King: Good question. It's my opinion that it's
most readily first recognized in oneself from the inside
out. You begin to define and refer to yourself in the same
language and perspective as the battering partner,
particularly when in the company of this person.
As far as how it is noticed in the relationship, you
observe and experience an unequal distribution of
relationship power (and control) between yourself and your
partner. Obviously, with the battering partner being the
empowered one in the relationship and the verbally abused
partner being the un-empowered party.
Your self-talk as the victimized partner will often mirror
the "felt meaning" of the verbal assaults from your abusive
partner. That is, the actual language and tone may not be
the same, but the feeling it leaves you with can very well
trigger the feeling state that you experience when being
defined by his/her battering language.
So, for example, you may begin to regard yourself as your
battering partner expresses and begin to believe that the
things being told to and about you are true.
6) Kate Carlson: Does the communication pattern between an
abuser/victim tend to encourage the victim to ignore her
true or initial feelings? Does that tend to show up in her
self-talk/inner dialogue?
Dr. Jeanne King: Yes, when listening to oneself
reflexively, the victimized partner will hear the louder,
more dominate side of her/his inner dialogue—that as
often defined by the abuser.
----------------------------------------------------
For more information about emotional and verbal abuse, I
invite you to check out Emotional Verbal Abuse: How to
Recognize, Cope and Heal. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps
people identify, stop and heal from domestic abuse. Kate
Carlson is a OTR/L at victoryspeaks.com
http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/emotional_verbal_
abuse.php
Copyright 2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Abuse
Prevention and Intervention
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