Sometimes it's good to talk and sometimes it isn't. People
I help with relationship problems often ask, "Should we
talk about it"? They are referring to a specific grievance
or difference of opinion, which exists between them, and
their partner. They are generally surprised when I answer,
"no, not at this time"
Couples who disagree over specific issues or situations
often feel that they have only two choices. These are
either to argue about this subject or remain silent on it.
If you and your partner are at loggerheads about a specific
issue and your attempts to discuss it always end in
argument stop discussing.
First you need to improve the quality of your relationship
then discuss difficult issues. How do you do this? By using
a technique called "acting as if". You act as if you were
sharing your ideal relationship with your ideal partner.
You may feel resistance to doing this for two reasons. You
may feel that this is insincere or corny. Or if you are
feeling irritated with your partner you may be saying "why
should I make the effort to act as if everything is great".
The truth is that one of you has to take action to get you
both out of your current undesirable situation. As you are
the one reading these words then it's most likely to be you.
Experiments conducted by psychologists on this subject have
proved that when "acting as if" took place in relationships
almost all those relationships improved, so it has to be
worth the effort. What's more most people find it
enjoyable. One word of warning though you cannot tell your
partner that you are "acting as if". Doing this would mean
that you simply wasted your effort. If "acting as if" feels
to you insincere or corny just remember this, your
relationship must have been great at one time otherwise you
wouldn't be in it. All you are doing by "acting as if" is
going back to a good and positive time in your relationship.
When harmony has been restored between you can begin to
calmly discuss the subject, which has led to disagreement.
It often surprises couples to realise that once there is
harmony in their relationship they are able to calmly
discuss issues that they previously argued about.
It is important for couples to spend time talking with and
listening to each other. This makes it less likely that
grievances will build up and cause problems. Here is a way
of discussing grievances whilst avoiding argument. Both
partners sit on the floor back to back. They agree who will
speak first. The first speaker has two minutes to explain
how s/he feels about the situation under discussion. You
will begin all sentances with "I feel". At the end of two
minutes the second speaker will speak. S/he also has two
minutes to speak and must begin all sentences with " I
feel". The second speaker must not comment on anything,
which the first speaker has said.
Once both people have spoken for two minutes it is
important that they do not discuss the subject further. At
this point they will do something completely different such
as go for a walk, watch a film or do the washing up.
If a specific grievance is causing a problem in your
relationship I would suggest at least initially living in
harmony without discussing it for a while. "Acting as if"
can help you do this. It may cease to be a problem. If not
you and your partner can use the method described above as
a way of dealing with it.
----------------------------------------------------
Eileen Edwards Psychologist helps people to find life
partners and have happy relationships. You can obtain her
free "Love Magnet"report from eileen@eileenedwards.co.uk
See also website http://www.eileenedwards.co.uk
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