I frequently hear this statement from my female clients "
he says that he doesn't want a relationship but he'll
change his mind" There is no evidence to support this
belief.The woman who holds it will act as though it is true
and in so doing waste precious woman hours, sometimes years
during which she could be enjoying a real relationship.
Understanding a little of how the human mind works shows us
how unlikely the man in question changing is mind actually
is.
Imagine this- it's a cold, wet mid-week morning and your
alarm clock rings. You don't feel like making the effort to
get up for work you switch off the alarm and wrap the duvet
more tightly around you. You don't particularly like your
job. If you do imagine for the purpose of this example that
it isn't the case.
You then begin to think of what could happen as a result of
you staying in bed. There's a limit to how many "sick "
days anyone can take. Supposing you lose your job? You
begin to imagine being unable to pay the mortgage, cover
your bills.
Maybe your mind runs riot and you see yourself as a
homeless big issue seller.Or perhaps you start to think
about the holiday that you are looking forward to in a few
weeks time or the great time you are going to have shopping
for new outfits this coming week end.
Within five minutes you are out of bed, in the shower
preparing to leave for work.The point is we are motivated
to experience pleasure and avoid pain.
It's this motivation that causes us to make the effort to
do anything. If the man concerned is already getting what
he wants from the situation, company, sex, cookery, fun on
his terms why would he feel the need for a relationship.
A relationship particularly becoming someone's life partner
requires effort and commitment. We have to really want to
do something or we simply won't. Some men are of course
actively seeking a life partner.
However this particular one has said the he isn't. At least
he is being honest. No doubt there have been times in your
life when you weren't seeking a partner either.
Back to our analogy-you are about to leave for work when
you receive a letter to the effect that your elderly uncle
living overseas has died and left you a small fortune.Or
you receive a phone call to say that you have won the
lottery. Are you still going to leave for work? Why bother
you already have all the money you'll ever need. Similarly
the man who doesn't want a relationship is unlikely to
trade a situation were he is free to do as he likes and is
able to spend time with you as and when it pleases him for
being in a relationship. A relationship requires effort.
The man who says he doesn't want a relationship probably
sees himself as having the best of both worlds. He can
enjoy being a single without missing out on what you have
to offer.
You may be thinking that unlikely doesn't mean impossible
he could change his mind and that's quite true. There are
exceptions where men who have said they did not want a
relationship have changed their minds.
Here is one involving Wendy a client in my therapy practice
and her boyfriend Ross, not their real names. Wendy had
consulted me seeking increased self-confidence and to deal
with some issues in her past.
She told me that on her first evening out with Ross he had
said over dinner " this can't be serious". Eighteen months
on they lived together in Wendy's home. Wendy paid all
their expenses and undertook all household chores.She even
paid for Ross's lunches and his travel to and from work.
Sex was virtually non-existent unless she imitated it. Even
then Ross wasn't very keen.
As a result of helping Ross with his financial problems
Wendy had got herself into difficulties which were now
being sorted out. In other words he dictated the terms of
their relationship.Waiting around for a man who says that
he does not want a relationship is usually time wasted.
Any relationship that does begin will almost certainly be
on his terms. Why? The woman who waits around in the hope
that " he will change is mind" is sending out a clear
message that she is willing to accept this.
We don't have to wait around in the hope that " he will
change his mind" or accept one-sided relationships were we
do all the giving. The world is full of loving, caring men
seeking relationships. Simply becoming aware of this is the
first step to finding yours.
----------------------------------------------------
Want help in finding your ideal man see Eileen's website
http://www.eileenedwards.co.uk You can claim your free Love
Magnet report by emailing eileen@eileenedwards.co.uk.
Eileen is a psychologist who went from disaster to success
in relationships by applying the insights of psychology.
Now she wants to help you do the same.
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